Reme:
You and I had conflict today. I had worked all morning to get things together to go sledding. We had had the most lush and beautiful snow fall the night before and I thought today would be a beautiful day to go out and play in the snow (one of Mommie's favorite past-times). Well, we went to a nearby park. I thought if I directed your attention to the sled and the hill, you would be interested in trying something new...I was wrong -- you wanted to swing. Nevertheless, in my stubborn-ness, I placed you on your sled and started pulling you up the hill. You started having a hissy-fit and slung yourself off the sled. You face-planted in the snow. Then you started to cry and really had a fit...your boot came off and your sock got soaked, which made you mad...I tried to calm you down, but you continued to whoop and holler. I used Mommie's mean voice to try to get you to stop throwing your fit. It didn't work. You got louder and louder...wailing and fighting Mommie. It scared me a little. Somehow, carrying you in the midst of your tantrum I managed to get you, me, and the sled to the top of the hill. Then I sat down on it pulling you onto my lap. You got madder...I tried to get us down the hill but the snow was too fresh and not iced over enough. You flung yourself about. I got scared that the sled would have taken off on its own...and it was directed towards a brick fence -- imagining all of the horrors of an accident between you and said wall, I got grumpy and called you a BRAT! After my mean words to you I took you to the swing. You remained mad at me for a really, really long time...you wouldn't even look me in the eyes when I tried to get you to understand my intentions....it took about an hour of swinging before you would forgive me trying to force you to do what you didn't want to be doing.
I write about this fight between you and I because I want you to know that I was not angry with you...just the situation. I really wanted to share with you a fun activity...I got frustrated when so much of my diligence and hard work didn't come to fruition. Normally, I am a "go with the flow" kind of Mommie, but there was something about this day whereby I didn't proceed with that intent...and things got hard for both of us...we both were unhappy.
I learned so much: 1) that I never want to yell or use words that are destructive to you or have a negative impact; 2) I only want to say and do things to build you up --even if that means that we have contradictory ideas of what things will work towards that end; 3) that I really don't deserve you -- the special, wonderful, perfect little boy I have; 4) knowing that I don't deserve you makes me realize that I always want to be worthy of you and have you in my life....
I am so glad that you have your own will -- that you are strong spirited -- that you will find a voice to express your will even if it is unpopular, hard, or makes you sad or angry. I am grateful that you are independent in your thoughts and actions.
I learned ultimately that I want you to be who you need to be at all stages of your life. I hope that the person you need to be always stands up for yourself, doesn't bow down to any sort of pressure, nor, evades your goals because someone thinks you should do things a different way. I admire you, Son and I am very, very proud of you.
Thank you for teaching me humility, the importance of choosing kind words in all situations, the amazing gift you give me in the opportunity to support and love you unconditionally. You are a light....you are my Son-shine:
"You are my Son-shine, my only Son-shine,
You make me happy every day.
You'll never know Son, how much I love you,
Until you take the car and drive away."
Love Forever and X Infinity,
Mommie.
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